(Teens) see their parents, teachers, coaches, and ministers as moral and responsible people who, for the most part, were able to keep their promises and reach their goals except in one area: marriage. They see the wedding albums. They struggle to understand why this beautiful bride or handsome groom somehow turned out not to be the "right person" – why this particular couple somehow "grew apart." Why such beautiful vows and promising love just went and died.
We must get the great good news to these kids that It doesn't have to be this way. They can become masters of their fate. There is new research-based information that was not available to their parents and grandparents. It turns out that, yes, marriage is about love, commitment, compatibility, maturity, morality, faith - all of these. But researchers have dissected these abstract concepts and defined them in ways that will enable kids to change their odds - keep their love alive and their vows and families intact.
These behaviors - or skills - break down love, commitment, responsibility and fidelity into manageable behaviors and workable steps. They show what love and commitment look like - how they behave. And, how they don't behave. Someone said, "Love is that thing that tricks you into thinking you can do marriage." It's up to us to show those that are in love and want to "do marriage"
how to go about it in ways that will help them - as the years roll by - to fall more in love and make their marriages stronger. Today, we can teach students the behaviors that predict marital success and those that predict failure - skills for managing conflict, welcoming and integrating change, setting and discussing goals, and expressing appreciations. Simple, teachable "stuff". We can help them learn how to learn the skills and take responsiblity for making it to that beautiful moment of "til death us do part." That is real romance. Giving them knowledge about marriage will build their confidence and begin to heal their cynicism and despair.
We teach kids how to earn a living and how to keep their bodies healthy. It is just as important to teach them how to keep their marriages healthy.
A good marriage education curriculum includes information on why marriage matters - the benefits to couples and their children of getting and stayng married. And it spells out why cohabitation does not provide the protections and advantages of marriage and that, in fact, love, passion and commitment erode more precipitously in cohabiting unions.
It also appeals to students to learn that the marriage curricula support the ideal of egalitarian marriages and are based on the premise that both partners will take an active role in creating and preserving the marriage.The courses are not about rolling back the clock or undermining hard-won rights. We now have it in our grasp to help young people become part of a marriage renaissance built on new knowledge and fueled by a new optimism. Many good relationship and marriage curricula have been developed and there are more in the pipeline. They are manual and exercise-based, and require little or no teacher training. They are cost-effective. They are being taught across the country in both public and private schools to children of all classes and races but very much on a random - hit or miss - basis. Too few decision makers are aware of their existence.
We can continue to tell young people that marriage is important and you should try to make it last 'til death you do part', but, sorry, half of you are pedicted to fail. Or, we can change things and equip them to succeed.
- Diane Sollee
Diane Sollee is founder and director of the Coalition for Marriage, Family, and Couples Education in Washington, D.C., and the convener of the annual Smart Marriages Conference (www.smartmarriages.com). 1998