Talk It Out Before You Say, "I Do"
By Julie Ferwerda
You¹re thinking about spending the rest of your life with that special person. But do you really know them as well as you think? Are there areas you need to know about (or they need to know about you) that you haven't discussed? The best time to get down to the nitty-gritty with each other is before you say, "I do."
You need to know what to expect after the wedding day, and to decide if you really want to spend the rest of your life with this person the way they are now. Chances are they (and you) won't change that much, so if you really want to know who you are agreeing to love, work through these questions together. There's no hurry take all the time you need. But there¹s one rule. You must be completely, gut-wrenchingly honest! If you misrepresent yourself they will remember.
PURPOSE
My biggest goal in life is to?
I find satisfaction in __________________________________________________________________
Before I die I want to _________________________________________________________________
I am here because ___________________________________________________________________
My dream is to someday ______________________________________________________________
I will be ready to die when I¹ve ____________________________________________________________
PAST
The best part about my childhood was ____________________________________________________
The worst part about my childhood was ___________________________________________________
The scariest thing that ever happened to me was ___________________________________________
Something I¹m afraid to tell anyone about my past is_________________________________________
A past situation that could affect my future is ________________________________________________
I¹ve had [ ] sexual partners before this relationship.
The way I feel about my past relationship history is ___________________________________________
WHO I AM
My biggest fears in life are ______________________________________________________________
My biggest needs in life are _______________________________________________________________
My most frequent mood is ________________________________________________________________
The thing I hate most is __________________________________________________________________
The thing I worry about most is _____________________________________________________________
Three things I want to change about myself are _______________________________________________
Three things I really like about myself are _____________________________________________________
My most common daydream is _____________________________________________________________
I get angry when __________________________________________________________________________
My favorite kind of house pet is ______________________________________________________________
My overall opinion about myself is ____________________________________________________________
I think my greatest personality asset is _________________________________________________________
My greatest personality weakness is _________________________________________________________
I find the greatest enjoyment in ______________________________________________________________
The sin I struggle most with is _______________________________________________________________
I¹m most ashamed about ___________________________________________________________________
Someone I greatly admire is _________________________________________________________________
The way I feel about death is ________________________________________________________________
I think war is _____________________________________________________________________________
I feel happy when _________________________________________________________________________
I have no use for people who _________________________________________________________________
When someone acts rude to me, I ____________________________________________________________
When someone is unfair, I ___________________________________________________________________
I feel jealous of ____________________________________________________________________________
My dream vacation would include _____________________________________________________________
The things I find the most fun are _______________________________________________________________
My favorite sport(s) is ________________________________________________________________________
Playing sports in my future is a [ ] on a scale from one to ten.
Watching sports on T.V. is a [ ] for me on a scale from one to ten.
I am disgusted by ____________________________________________________________________________
When I am afraid (substitute sad, angry, happy, lonely, tired), I _______________________________________
My hobbies include __________________________________________________________________________
I spend [ ] hours a week at my hobbies.
What I really want when I am sick is ___________________________________________________________
The part of my body I am most bothered by is _____________________________________________________
The part of my body I am most happy with is ______________________________________________________
What hurts me most is _______________________________________________________________________
The best (and worst) thing about life is ___________________________________________________________
The first thing I notice about someone is _________________________________________________________
When someone is angry with me, I ______________________________________________________________
When someone is disappointed in me, I __________________________________________________________
The worst (and best) thing about the opposite sex is ________________________________________________
Being teachable means _________________________________________________________________________
People (including me) should say they¹re sorry when ________________________________________________
MARRIAGE
My reasons for wanting to get married are __________________________________________________________
I think the keys to a good marriage are ___________________________________________________________
The biggest mistakes I made in past relationships are _______________________________________________
The area I¹ve grown the most in relationships is ____________________________________________________
Relationships in the past have taught me __________________________________________________________
I¹ve always viewed marriage as ___________________________________________________________________
My parents had a [ ] marriage.
I learned [ ] about marriage from my parents.
I think the things in marriage you should be honest about are _________________________________________
The areas I¹m concerned about being married are __________________________________________________
The areas I¹m excited about being married are _____________________________________________________
Marriage for me will be giving up _________________________________________________________________
Marriage for me will be gaining ____________________________________________________________________
I think separate vacations are ______________________________________________________________________
Traveling together is _____________________________________________________________________________
When having conflict, I like to: cool off by myself before discussing the problem; discuss and work the problem out right away; pretend there is no problem and just move on; analyze the problem as to what it is, why it happened, how to avoid it in the future, etc
Arguing and or fighting is ________________________________________________________________________
The best way to handle disagreements is to _________________________________________________________
What I fear most about marriage is ________________________________________________________________
What I anticipate most about marriage is ___________________________________________________________
The role of in-laws in marriage is __________________________________________________________________
The thing that will make me most secure (and insecure) in marriage is ___________________________________
Dating (each other) after you are married is _________________________________________________________
Love is _______________________________________________________________________________________
"Till death do us part" means ____________________________________________________________________
I think people should be allowed to divorce when _______________________________________________________
For me, divorce is _______________________________________________________________________________
SEX
I think sex is/will be ____________________________________________________________________________
I think a healthy marriage involves sex [ ] per week or [ ] per month.
I¹m aware that real sex in marriage differs from Hollywood in the following ways ____________________________
I think being naked in front of someone is ___________________________________________________________
On a scale from one to ten, sex is a [ ] in importance in a good marriage for me.
What sex means to me is _______________________________________________________________________
Talking about sex feels _________________________________________________________________________
Being spontaneous or creative in marriage sex sounds _______________________________________________
MONEY/FINANCES
I think money is ______________________________________________________________________________
Spending money is hard/easy for me because ______________________________________________________
The biggest waste of money is __________________________________________________________________
The best investment of money is __________________________________________________________________
I have [ ] in personal debt
I use credit cards for ___________________________________________________________________________
I think car loans are ____________________________________________________________________________
Saving up to buy big ticket items is _______________________________________________________________
My savings plan is_____________________________________________________________________________
My retirement plan is ____________________________________________________________________________
The way I feel about tithing is ____________________________________________________________________
I hope my spouse is a: saver, spender, somewhere in between.
On a scale from one to ten, financial security is [ ] in importance to me.
I want to save up to buy a ______________________________________________________________________
The kind of house I want to own someday is _______________________________________________________
Other items I hope to own are ____________________________________________________________________
Charities I want to contribute to are ________________________________________________________________
PHYSICAL APPEARANCE
Is my own appearance important to me?
Is it important that my spouse maintains his/her current physical appearance/weight throughout our marriage?
How important is hygiene to me, i.e. brushing teeth, taking showers, deodorant, etc.?
How do I like to dress for special occasions? For church? For dates? For work?
Do I want to be able to have a say in my spouse¹s choice of clothing, hairstyle, or general appearance?
Do I care if they have a say in mine?
Is cologne/perfume important to me?
What physical features are attractive to me?
HOUSEHOLD
How clean is a home that is comfortable for me?
What is my favorite thing about home?
What can I not tolerate in my home (noise, clutter, dirt, pets, unmade beds, etc.)?
How many/which jobs do I think I should do to keep my house maintained?
How many/which jobs do I think my spouse should do around the house?
Who should keep the yard maintained (spouse, both, or hired out)?
Who will maintain the cars (spouse, both, or hired out)?
Who will make decisions for and carry out decorating the home (spouse, both, hired out)?
Who will cook family meals?
How many meals do I expect to cook or for my spouse to cook daily?
Who will do the shopping?
Who will do laundry?
Who will do the dishes?
Who will pay bills?
RECREATION
My idea of recreation is _______________________________________________________________________
To me, camping means _______________________________________________________________________
My favorite sports are _________________________________________________________________________
The way I relax on the weekends is by ___________________________________________________________
What areas of recreation do I want my spouse to accompany me on?
What areas of recreation do I want to do with my friends or alone?
How often will I want to spend time away from the family in my own recreation?
KIDS
I think kids are _____________________________________________________________________________
Kids get on my nerves when they ______________________________________________________________
I love it when kids ___________________________________________________________________________
The way I feel about other people¹s kids is _______________________________________________________
The way kids usually feel about me is ___________________________________________________________
Kids should be disciplined when ________________________________________________________________
The way I want to discipline my kids is __________________________________________________________
The role of a parent is ________________________________________________________________________
I want [ ] kids someday.
How important is showing physical affection to my kids?
Is telling my kids I love them important?
How much time do I think I should spend with my kids daily?
How important is two-parent interaction and discipline?
I think the bottom line for discipline should be with the (mom or dad)?
How important is it for kids to respect their parents in my home?
When it comes to discipline, I think I will be: lenient, strict, or somewhere in-between?
Where do I want my kids educated (private school, Christian school, home school, etc.)?
HEALTH/HISTORY
Taking care of myself and my health is [ ] important to me.
I think a healthy lifestyle includes _______________________________________________________________
Physical exercise is __________________________________________________________________________
To me, eating right means _____________________________________________________________________
My idea of a good work out is __________________________________________________________________
My life fitness plan is to _______________________________________________________________________
My health problems (present or past) are _________________________________________________________
I take medication for __________________________________________________________________________
I think life long-term supports are ________________________________________________________________
People in my family have a history of the following health problems _____________________________________
People in my family have died at the ages of _______________________________________________________
INTIMACY
I feel loved when _____________________________________________________________________________
The way I show love to people is ________________________________________________________________
Which of the following are ways I feel most loved? Time spent with, words of encouragement/praise, gifts, being touched and hugged in a non-sexual
manner, when people do things for (serve) me.
Showing affection in front of kids or friends is ______________________________________________________
Intimacy is developed through __________________________________________________________________
I think a good marriage needs at least [ ] hours a day (or week) of focused communication to stay connected.
WORK
My idea of a dream job is _______________________________________________________________________
I think the average number of hours a person can regularly work a week and
maintain family commitment is _________________________________________________________________
Providing for the family is whose responsibility?
My career plans are ___________________________________________________________________________
How important is a steady job to me?
What kind of work ethic do I want in my mate?
Where do I draw the line with a job that demands too much time?
My plans for retirement are _____________________________________________________________________
SPIRITUALITY/RELIGION
The way I feel about God is _____________________________________________________________________
I think the way God feels about me is _____________________________________________________________
On a scale of one to ten, going to church is [ ] in importance for my life and future.
I want to raise my kids in the [ ] faith.
Will God be the center of my home? Why or why not?
If yes, how will I make God the center?
Prayer is something I do when __________________________________________________________________
To me, the Bible is ___________________________________________________________________________
Other religions besides Christianity are ___________________________________________________________
Eternal life is accomplished by __________________________________________________________________
Select and discuss the following. To me, God is: personal, real, distant, vague, angry, happy, loving, harsh, demanding, gentle, kind, good,
make-believe, living, powerful, weak, or other.
The way to have a relationship with God is ________________________________________________________
For me, including God in my daily life is __________________________________________________________
On a scale from one to ten, obeying God and His word is a [ ] to me.
When I die, I ________________________________________________________________________________
Julie is the author of The Perfect Fit...Piecing Together True Love and has written articles for other publications such as Marriage Partnership, Brio & Beyond, HomeLife, Discipleship Journal, and Revolve III Biblezine Project for teen girls (Thomas Nelson, July 2006). To order the book or to find out more go to: www.JulieFerwerda.com.